Heart & Mind Education

Leaving the comfort Zone

3/17/2018

I have made some changes in my life this year. I left my full-time job of 4 years to pursue some creative endeavours that have been floating around my mind as ideas but that I simply haven’t had the time to put into practice due to lack of time.
At the same time I have gone back to doing what I’m passionate about part-time, which is helping children with emotional, social and behavioural difficulties. It’s what I love and what inspired me to set up Heart and Mind Education in the first place.

It’s fair to say that exploring these creative ideas and projects pushes me out of my comfort zone. I notice how I’m avoiding, distracting and procrastinating when it’s time to sit down and get to work. There’s some real resistance there, a hesitancy to put myself out there, outside of my comfort zone.

As I'm observing this in myself I think of some of the children I work with who do a similar thing, which is: anything to avoid leaving their comfort zone. In some case that manifests as refusing to do any work, in other, more extreme cases as storming out of the classroom or becoming physically aggressive (fight or flight basically) depending on how much anxiety is triggered in them. For some children their comfort zone and/or learning zones are very small and they are easily pushed beyond that into the panic zone, which can then trigger any of the above behaviours.

I realise that we expect children to push themselves out of their comfort zone almost every day because they are constantly learning new things they have never done before or are confronted with situations they have never been in. As an adult, when we are comfortably settled in a routine and whatever it is we are doing, it is easy to forget how challenging and stressful this can be.

How often do we really push ourselves outside of our comfort zone in the way we regularly expect children to? And by that I mean, how often do we put ourselves in situations where our work/performance will be judged by others, where there is a real danger of failure and feeling or looking stupid in front of our peers?

I’m finding it really useful to observe the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that arise in me now that I’m faced with such a situation and to figure out how I’m going to motivate myself to push past this into my learning zone without pushing too far and ending up in the panic zone where I’m no longer learning but simply feel overwhelmed or scared.

This experience is a welcome reminder for me to remember what school feels like for some children who struggle with leaving their comfort zone and entering the learning zone.

If you are a parent or educator, I invite you to try this for yourself: do something that pushes you out of your comfort zone. It will help you empathise more with your children and by learning how to motivate yourself to push past your resistance you will be better able to help them do the same.

It certainly works for me.

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Consequences vs. punishment

2/22/2015

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I’m currently working with two groups of home-educating parents, delivering a workshop around the Brave Hearts and Hero Minds curriculum I offer for children. The aim of the course is to enable parents to create and facilitate their own emotional learning programmes for their children but it also involves them doing a lot of reflection on their own role as parents and educators.
We look at mindfulness, emotional intelligence, communication and thinking skills but also behaviours that are difficult to manage.
Some of what I present to parents may challenge them and make them see their own behaviour and its impact on their children in a new way.

Yesterday we discussed the difference between punishment and consequences and I personally find it easiest to differentiate between the two when I think in terms of person and behaviour. Consequences respond to the behaviour whereas punishment focuses on the person and implies that there is something wrong with the person and that the person therefore deserves punishment, i.e. “you are bad and that gives me the right to punish you.” Consequences say: “You broke this vase that doesn’t belong to you, therefore you need to replace it/make amends.” Consequences teach responsibility for our own behaviour and an understanding of cause and effect. For every action there is a result. The choices we make have an impact on our environment and the people around us and it is our responsibility to deal with the consequences of the choices we make.

Punishment on the other hand, teaches judgment and violence because there is a person who is apparently ‘right’ and ‘good’ judging another as ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’. In addition, the person doing the judging has the power to dish out whatever they perceive to be an appropriate form of punishment. A punishment is not a natural consequence of the behaviour but an unnatural, artificially chosen response aimed at teaching some kind of lesson. Ironically, it often involves the very kind of behaviour that is being judged as bad such as when violence is punished by counter-violence. As it is not a logical consequence of the behaviour and therefore artificial children often perceive it (rightly so!) as unfair. Using the example of the broken vase, punishment could be anything from banning a child from watching TV, grounding them, or any other random response that will cause them upset while being completely unrelated to the initial behaviour and the natural consequence of that behaviour.

The biggest issue I have with punishments is that there is an underlying assumption involved about people’s intentions and motivations. Punishment assumes a conscious choice and intentionality. In the example of the broken vase for example, punishment assumes that the vase was broken on purpose, that ‘evil’ intent was somehow involved, which then goes back again to assuming that there is something inherently ‘bad’ within that person that needs to be punished. As none of us are able to read minds (at least as far as I know) I advise to be very careful with judgments and punishments because they can quickly become self-fulfilling prophecies. It is much easier for a child to prove you right than to try against all odds to prove you wrong so be careful what you project onto them.

Lastly, punishments leave very little room for learning through mistakes. If every mistake or wrong choice is seen as a sign of bad character and punished as such, there is no room left for experimentation and learning through experience.

When I talk to parents about separating the child from the behaviour I need to stress that we need to do the same with ourselves.
When we engage in study or any form of self-development, it's important to bear this in mind. We are not trying to change ourselves, but our behaviours, and when we become aware of ourselves engaging in unhelpful or even harmful behaviours there is no need to judge ourselves as 'bad people' or ‘bad parents’. Just as when we deal with our children engaging in unwanted behaviours, we need to employ the same strategies when dealing with our own: separate the person from the behaviour. Do not withdraw love from yourself, do not judge yourself but solely focus on the behaviour, its consequences and ways to change it. Don't use it as an opportunity to punish yourself. You don’t deserve punishment any more than your children do.

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10 ways to support your child's mental health and emotional wellbeing

1/23/2014

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This week, Young Minds have launched their campaign ‘YoungMindsVs – Fight the pressure’ to improve the mental health and wellbeing of children and young people in the UK. Their poll of 2,000 children and young people reveals that one third of children and young people don’t know where to turn for help when they feel depressed or anxious and over half of children and young people believe they will be a failure if they don’t get good grades. In addition children and young people suffer from stress at school, worries about job prospects and sexualisation.
A few weeks earlier, the Princes Trust painted a similar picture in their Macquarie Youth Index, saying that more than 75% of a million young people believe they have nothing to live for.
The campaign calls for improved access to mental health services for children and young people and improved preventative work such as emotional health classes in schools.

Here are 10 things you can do as a parent at home to support your child's mental health and emotional wellbeing.

1.   Get out in nature regularly

A growing body of national and international research links childhood contact with nature to a range of health and well-being benefits, such as reduced stress levels, reduced depression, increased confidence and self-esteem, reduced risks of obesity and myopia, improved academic performance, a reduction in the symptoms of ADHD and a stronger sense of concern and care for the environment in later life.

2.   Exercise regularly

Exercise has also been scientifically proven to be effective in preventing and treating depression and to positively contribute not only to our physical but also our mental and emotional wellbeing.

3.   Develop your child’s questioning and critical thinking skills

Children are constantly trying to make sense of the world they grow up in, which is why they are full of questions. Encourage and nurture this inquisitive nature and their critical thinking. Life is complex, so try not to provide easy answers. Instead help your children find answers for themselves, teach them about how to research on the internet, which sources of information to trust, which not to trust and why, how to analyse and evaluate information and how to fully explore a question and all its possible answers. Teaching your child to question, think critically and to not just swallow every piece of information that is presented to them will make them more resilient in the face of incessant advertising and other media messages that may influence them.

4.   Develop your child’s confidence and communication skills

Does your child sometimes talk back? Can he/she be opinionated and obstinate? Good! Having the confidence to speak out and being able to formulate their own opinions will prevent them from giving in to peer pressure and being manipulated by media messages. You cannot expect children to stand up for themselves and their opinions in the outside world if you are not encouraging this behaviour at home. Teach them how to argue in a way that is respectful and doesn’t devalue different individual opinions. Do challenge your child’s opinions but also invite them to challenge yours.

5.   Distinguish between your child and their behaviour

There is a big difference between saying “You are a naughty/lazy/silly…child.” and “That was a naughty/lazy/silly…thing to do.” Make sure you judge the behaviour and not the child. We are not what we do because what we do is subject to change and the choices we make. Telling someone in a sweeping comment that they are naughty/lazy/silly turns it into a label that may stick and could become difficult to remove later on.

6.   Value your children for who they are, not what they achieve

Yes, we want our children to do well and achieve. However, if we don’t ensure that they know that they are already worthy and loveable and don’t have to 'earn' their worthiness, they are more likely to think they are a failure if they don’t get good grades. Don’t just praise and reward your child when they achieve in a test or competition; also praise and reward positive choices such as being kind, generous, brave, etc. Most importantly, tell your children that you love them - for no other reason than because they exist.

7.   Learn and practice mindfulness/meditation

Research on mindfulness and meditation programmes in schools in the US evidences that practising mindfulness and meditation can reduce stress levels and aggression as well as relieve symptoms of anxiety and depression in children and teenagers. It’s a practice that can benefit both you and your children. There are many books, CDs and courses for adults out there and also some for children. Experiment and shop around to find what works best for you and your kids.

8.   Be mindful of your speech

As a parent, everything you say is sending a message to your children. For example, if you discuss your own body insecurities in front of your children, it is more than likely that they will develop them too.

9.   Make time, listen and be present

Make time to just be with your children. Be present when spending time with your children. Shut down the computer, turn off the TV, and put away your phone. Nothing improves their confidence and self-esteem more than you giving them your full attention. Actively listen to what they say, feed back what you understand and check to make sure you understood correctly. Encourage reflection by asking what went well that day and what didn’t or ask how they feel and what they think about. Help them explore and articulate their thoughts and feelings as well as their underlying needs.

10.  Be vulnerable

You are your children’s number one role model. This is a lot of pressure and may tempt you to try and present yourself only from your best side and as perfect as possible. Don’t! You are not doing yourself or your children any favours because it’s neither realistic nor achievable. Instead be vulnerable and let your children see the real you. By honestly and openly sharing your thoughts and feelings and especially some of your own struggles and how you deal with them, your children will understand that it’s normal to struggle sometimes and learn from your coping strategies. They will also be more likely to come to you and ask for help when they are struggling because sharing our vulnerability is what creates trust and connection.

I hope you find these suggestions useful and that they don't make you feel like it's something else to add to your ever-growing To-Do list. Maybe just pick one or two to try and don’t beat yourself up when you don’t manage to do what you set out to do. If I had to pick just one thing, I’d take number 9: make time, listen and be present. In these busy times we live in, your time, attention and full presence are the most precious gifts you can give to your children.

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Embracing anger

1/15/2014

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I posted this picture on my Facebook and Twitter page the other day because the refreshing honesty of it made me laugh.

Considering that I run workshops around emotional intelligence and meditation/mindfulness as well as a course called Calm Parents it might be considered incongruent for me to admit that I’m not always floating around on a cloud of serenity. The post was meant to be light-hearted but nevertheless, it is of course true that some days I am not perfectly calm and balanced. I get angry just like everybody else.

The workshops I run are not about helping people get rid of their anger. They are about helping people deal with anger more effectively.

Basically what I teach and use myself when dealing with any kind of disturbing emotion are three simple steps:

Self-awareness

Self-love

Consciously chosen response (rather than habitual reaction)

Let’s take the example in the picture and say I just got up and, still quite sleepy, I’m starting to make myself a coffee. I don’t drink filtered coffee but let’s say I did and in the process of preparing that coffee, I’m struggling to separate the coffee filters. If I were to find myself getting disproportionately irate at this struggle, I would recognise this as an alarm sign that calls for raising my self-awareness. So I would stop what I am doing, put my hand on my heart and ask myself: “Okay sweetie, what’s really going on here?” (Because one thing is for sure, it’s not the coffee filters that are the problem!) I might then become aware that I am still upset about something that happened the previous day or maybe I am apprehensive about something that lies ahead of me. Being aware now of what’s going on underneath the surface, I will then ask myself what I need (self-love) and choose an appropriate response to meet that need.

Getting angry about stupid little things can be a great alarm bell for noticing when something’s bubbling underneath and for raising our self-awareness. It's what I call an emotional smoke alarm.

If you have issues with anger and want to learn how to manage it and how to be calmer, the worst thing you can do is to try and get rid of it. The more you tell yourself “I mustn’t get angry, I mustn’t get angry” the more pressure you create inside of yourself and all that suppressed anger has no other way to escape but to blow up the pressure cooker you created. It’s not anger itself that we want to avoid, it’s uncontrollable outbursts of anger. Paradoxically, suppressing anger and not dealing with it, is exactly what causes these outbursts.

What I teach people is learning to detect anger as early as possible. We need to fine-tune our emotional radar to be able to detect the earliest signs of anger (or any other disturbing emotion for that matter) and deal with it immediately. We do that by refraining from judging and suppressing and instead choosing to walk towards anger with open arms and embrace it. “Hello anger. What can I do to help?” It’s about identifying the underlying unmet need and then choosing an appropriate response to meet that need.

As long as we judge ourselves for feeling angry and strive for a state completely free from anger I’m afraid we will remain slaves to our anger and anger will continue to lead us around by the nose.

It’s not anger that is the problem; it’s how we deal with it or rather not deal with it that is.

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Raising aspirations from within

1/6/2014

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If you are a teacher or working in Children and Young People’s Services, you have read or heard this phrase at least a hundred times: we must be raising aspirations for children and young people.

It’s true, we must, but as I am hearing this phrase being thrown around again in the aftermath of the latest PISA study, I dare to ask what it is that we actually mean by that. How does one raise children and young people’s aspirations and what is it that we actually want them to aspire to?

If we are merely focused on getting them to pass exams so that we can tick our boxes then I am not surprised that it is not working.

Surely, if we simplify it and bring it to the point, we want our children and young people to aspire to living happy, healthy and meaningful lives that contribute positively to society and the world we live in.

We tell our children that if they get good grades in school they will get good jobs and if they get good jobs they will earn good money and if they earn good money then they will be happy. Psychologist Shawn Achor, however, argues (and scientifically evidences) that it actually works the other way around: happiness inspires productivity. This is fantastic news because it means that we can focus on teaching children how to live happy lives right now and by doing so, at the same time, improve exam results.

The majority of children and young people who suffer from low aspirations come from backgrounds or live in circumstances that are not conducive to developing high aspirations and often downright adverse to it. Maybe no one in their immediate environment role models and instils high aspirations in them or maybe they are affected by a number of adversities that impact on their wellbeing and therefore prevent them from developing high aspirations.

However, research by Harvard Psychologist Dan Gilbert shows, that we can manufacture happiness by choice even under adverse circumstances and that this ‘synthetic’ happiness, as he calls it, is no different to the ‘natural’ happiness we experience when we get what we want. It is a matter of training the mind to choose happiness.

While we definitely need to tackle social injustice and inequality and address the external factors that negatively effect aspirations of children and young people, this new research evidence means that there is a lot more we could do right now to help our children and young people use the internal powers of their own mind more effectively. We can provide training and education that empowers them to take responsibility for and control of their attitudes, their mental and emotional choices and their response to what is happening to them. We can empower them to start living a happy life from within through choice and thereby give them the emotional and mental stability as well as the confidence that will enable them to aspire to a meaningful life.

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The power of the mind

1/3/2014

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Understanding and using the power of our own mind provides us with the freedom and ability to create our own reality – within as well as without. This realisation was huge for me!

The majority of people I meet, including myself, have a deeply ingrained habit of blaming everyone and everything else for the reality they experience mixed with a strong resistance toward taking responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and reactions.

We have been brought up to believe that things happen TO US and that events MAKE US feel a certain way. Unfortunately, no one taught to us in school about the power that lies within our own mind and the choice and freedom that are available to us if we harness that power. Yet it is so important and so powerful to have this knowledge and understanding. It makes the difference between a life lived out of choice and living life as a victim, between a life lived with intention and purpose and a life moulded by outer circumstances, between living a happy, healthy life and living a life prone to mental, emotional and physical illness.It is the very reason why I set up Heart and Mind Education and developed a number of educational programmes, that all focus on discovering and using the power of the mind.

I use many different methods and approaches to achieve this but preferred methods of mine are mindfulness and meditation and I use them with all the age groups I work with from toddlers up to parents and fellow professionals. The reason for that is simple. Meditation and mindfulness short-track all the explanations and take us straight into experiencing what we are merely talking about here: our own mind.

Through practising meditation and mindfulness we come to get to know and befriend our own mind and what’s going on inside of it and we learn to patiently simply remain with what is, to not accept or reject anything and to just relax into whatever is arising. This requires us to develop acceptance, love and compassion toward ourselves.

After some time practising in this way, the mind and the thoughts will start to calm down and our focus and concentration improve, enabling us to direct the mind more towards the things we want it to focus on and meditation can become a very powerful tool that we can use to effect change in our thoughts, feelings and behaviour. We start to move from auto-mode and being ruled by our thoughts and emotions to becoming the ruler. We become able to simply watch and experience any habitual thoughts and emotions arising without having to react to them. Instead we can choose to reframe situations, retrain the way we think and feel and build new neuronal pathways and habitual patterns.

Once we have transformed our mind from an out-of-control monkey into our faithful servant, anything is possible!

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9 reasons why you should start a Mindfulness programme at your school

12/2/2013

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In the same way that yoga has boomed in recent years and increased in its popularity, mindfulness and meditation are also receiving increasingly more attention. Sports people and business leaders use it to help them stay calm and focused under pressure. Health professionals and psychologists are looking into it and are finding that it can improve mental as well as physical wellbeing and now even schools are starting to offer it to their students.

Maybe you are sceptical and think that this is just another fad - something that may be nice to have but not really a priority for your school. Maybe you are more interested in improving your students’ attendance, behaviour and exam results or your next Ofsted inspection is just around the corner and you can’t really see how a mindfulness or meditation programme will help with that.

I hope that the following summary of results from controlled studies that have been carried out on mindfulness programmes in schools will get your attention and change your views.

1)   Mindfulness improves self-awareness, self-regulation and self-control

Increased self-awareness, self-control and self-regulation have been observed by teachers and reported by students after they participated in mindfulness programmes.

2)   Mindfulness improves attention skills and decreases symptoms of ADHD

Primary school teachers observed improved attention skills and a decrease in symptoms of ADHD in pupils who took part in a mindfulness programme.

3)   Mindfulness improves social skills and reduces aggression and misbehaviour

Improved social skills and a decrease in aggression and misbehaviour have been found in students who took part in mindfulness programmes in school.

4)   Mindfulness improves positive emotions and general wellbeing

Students who took part in mindfulness programmes in schools reported an increase in positive emotions as well as general wellbeing and a decrease in symptoms of depression.

5)   Mindfulness improves attendance

Absences as well as the number of exclusions decreased in schools that took part in a mindfulness programme and consequently attendance figures improved.

6)   Mindfulness reduces stress and anxiety levels

One of the most reported effects of mindfulness programmes in schools is a reduction in stress symptoms and anxiety levels. This includes test anxiety.

7)   Mindfulness improves academic performance

It is therefore not at all surprising that academic performance improved as well.

8)   It works fast!

The most amazing outcome from all this research, however, is the fact that the majority of studies looked at programmes that only lasted for 8-9 weeks with no more than 30 to 60 minutes of weekly mindfulness sessions.

9)   The effects last!

In one study, researchers went back after 3 months, during the stressful summer exam period, and found that the effects were still maintained. They also discovered that those students who used mindfulness practices more frequently also performed better in their exams.

Still wondering what the benefits are? I hope not.

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4 powerful ways to overcome test anxiety

11/30/2013

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We all experience nervous anticipation when faced with important events such as an exam. This is a natural response that helps us rise to the challenge and perform at our best by keeping us alert and focused. It stops being beneficial and becomes an obstacle to peak performance when it turns into anxiety and fear. This may manifest as extreme feelings of worry and dread, self-defeating thoughts and physical symptoms such as shaking hands, outbreaks of sweat or even vomiting or fainting. Rather than keeping us concentrated and alert, anxiety and fear make our mind go blank and prevent us from focusing on the task at hand.

Here are 4 powerful ways that can help you overcome your anxiety and will stop you from sabotaging your own performance:

1)    Give yourself permission to fail

This may seem counterintuitive but it is important in order to take the pressure off. Test anxiety links to fear of failure and you need to face this fear head on. What is the worst that can happen? Try and get a bigger perspective on the event. Although the exam is important and you want to do well, it is just an exam. It is not a matter of life and death and many brilliant people, such as Albert Einstein for example have not performed well in school or standardised tests, yet went on to achieve great things in life. Make yourself familiar and comfortable with the option of failing.

2)    Remember: You are enough!

Do not allow your self-worth to be defined by an exam. Use positive, daily affirmations to remind yourself that you are enough, worthy and loveable regardless of how you will perform in the exam. A passed exam may be the icing on the cake but remember that the cake without icing is still edible.

3)    Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of non-judgmental present moment awareness. Focusing on an object such as your own breath lessens the mind’s tendency to run away with every thought that comes along and brings you back to the present moment. All anxiety feeds off repetitive thought patterns around events that have not happened yet but may (or may not!) happen in the future. Mindfulness will help you break through these worry cycles and root you more firmly in the present moment.

4)    Use visualisation

Visualisation is a very powerful method to prepare for the actual exam situation and athletes use this method frequently to prepare for big sporting events. It involves you visualising the day of the exam in as much detail as possible, from the moment you wake up until you actually write the exam. It is important to hold the image of you being calm and confident throughout every part of the visualisation. Stop as soon as you start to feel anxious and then, after a break, start again from the beginning. Step by step you will be able to visualise the whole day all the way through to the exam while feeling calm and confident. By practising in this way you re-programme your mind to view a situation that you used to perceive as threatening in a more balanced and realistic light.

Good luck! :-)

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What if?

11/16/2013

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It happens to me all the time recently. Whoever I meet and get into a deeper conversation with, tells me about their journey of personal development. We share our experiences, we tell each other about the pain we had to work through, about the battles we are still fighting but also about the amazing breakthroughs we experienced in the process.

While our individual stories of what led us to begin these journeys of personal development are all different, we always end up with the same question: “Why does no one tell you?”

Why has no one told us about the existence and the dangers of self-limiting beliefs, negative self-talk, false images of self, suppressed shadows, projection etc. and why on the other hand, haven’t we been told that we are already good enough just by being us, that we don’t need a mask and that authenticity and vulnerability are key to living a fulfilled, healthy and happy life?

Even more, we wonder what kind of lives we might have lived if somebody had told us earlier on. What kind of different choices would we have made? How much time could we have saved, how much pain could have been avoided and more importantly how much more of a positive impact could we have had on this world we live in?

Heart and Mind Education is my attempt at remedying this situation - if not for my own generation then at least for the generation that follows after me.

Imagine, what kind of world we would live in, if children were taught how to stay in their natural state of wholeness in which they experience and experiment with the whole range of what it means to be human? What would happen if they didn’t cut off parts of themselves as unworthy or unlovable as they grow up? What if they were repeatedly reassured of their own worthiness instead of being trained to seek approval, love and acceptance outside of themselves? What if they were encouraged to believe in and follow their dreams? What if they could love and accept all of themselves and were able to express their unique gift to the world freely and uninhibited?

I think we would have a lot more love and compassion in this world and I think it’s achievable.

This is my vision.

Let’s get on with it and make it happen!

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Leaving the comfort Zone

Consequences vs. punishment

10 ways to support your child's mental health and emotional wellbeing

Embracing anger

Raising aspirations from within

The power of the mind

9 reasons why you should start a Mindfulness programme at your school

4 powerful ways to overcome test anxiety

What if?

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